I am so sick of reading articles like “soon this pain will pass” or “the pain you go through will make sense one day” etc. What about those of us who have multiple chronic pain conditions?? It’s like “the science of pain” articles don’t even apply to me.
I love my support system. But I get so frustrated when they say the pain will get better…no it won’t. I’ve been in constant pain for 7 years. Since I was about 16. Everyday. My conditions are degenerative. Definition alone tells me I won’t ” feel better soon”.
Obviously I still hope for relief. I’m on my newest set of pills. Joy. Just got an MRI to see if I have SOMETHING else freakin wrong. Awesome. Work is hell. On my body. Otherwise I quite like it.
But I am just radiating this ungodly pain right now. On top of whatever back injury this is. And tonight? Nausea. Seriously??? I’m so sick and tired. I’m so frustrated. I am so emotionally worn down these days that I wonder what the point of living is anymore..sometimes. Is the point to be in pain? Am I missing some cosmic life lesson? Because I’ve been telling people for years that my constant pain makes me a stronger person….but for the first time I’m starting to not believe it. What about children? Will I even be able to take care of my own children in the future? After all these meds will I even be able to conceive when I’m ready? What about work? Can I be a happy and healthy stay at home wife and mother? Will I be supported? Am I a failure for not even wanting to use my degree to be a professor anymore? Right now my priority is having my own family…and I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I can’t run a family and work full time at the same time. My body will not let me. I would have a physical and mental collapse. Am I worthless as a woman because of this? Am I a waste of space? I don’t think I am…but there are those out there that do think that way. And for some stupid reason I still care about that sometimes.
I have an extremely loving partner who means the world to me. If it weren’t for him I’d probably be a drug addict…or possibly dead…by now. I am just ready to marry this beautiful man and start my newest adult journey.