The pain WILL last

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I am so sick of reading articles like “soon this pain will pass” or “the pain you go through will make sense one day” etc. What about those of us who have multiple chronic pain conditions?? It’s like “the science of pain” articles don’t even apply to me. 

I love my support system. But I get so frustrated when they say the pain will get better…no it won’t. I’ve been in constant pain for 7 years. Since I was about 16. Everyday. My conditions are degenerative. Definition alone tells me I won’t ” feel better soon”. 

Obviously I still hope for relief. I’m on my newest set of pills. Joy. Just got an MRI to see if I have SOMETHING else freakin wrong. Awesome. Work is hell. On my body. Otherwise I quite like it. 

But I am just radiating this ungodly pain right now. On top of whatever back injury this is. And tonight? Nausea. Seriously??? I’m so sick and tired. I’m so frustrated. I am so emotionally worn down these days that I wonder what the point of living is anymore..sometimes. Is the point to be in pain? Am I missing some cosmic life lesson? Because I’ve been telling people for years that my constant pain makes me a stronger person….but for the first time I’m starting to not believe it. What about children? Will I even be able to take care of my own children in the future? After all these meds will I even be able to conceive when I’m ready? What about work? Can I be a happy and healthy stay at home wife and mother? Will I be supported? Am I a failure for not even wanting to use my degree to be a professor anymore? Right now my priority is having my own family…and I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I can’t run a family and work full time at the same time. My body will not let me. I would have a physical and mental collapse. Am I worthless as a woman because of this? Am I a waste of space? I don’t think I am…but there are those out there that do think that way. And for some stupid reason I still care about that sometimes. 

I have an extremely loving partner who means the world to me. If it weren’t for him I’d probably be a drug addict…or possibly dead…by now. I am just ready to marry this beautiful man and start my newest adult journey. 

My flare up

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I wanted to write a post about the frustration of my flare up but I just feel too empty and sad. So I will reblog this quite perfect description.

A LIFE LESS PHYSICAL

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My flare up started today. It came out of nowhere, hitting me like a ten tonne truck.

I woke up with incredible pains in my neck and shoulder, so bad that even lying in bed hurt. I got up, I went for brunch with friends and it was was wonderful but the pain started to travel down my back. I came home and sat in my comfy chair with a hot water bottle, my hands starting to tingle. My back got slowly worse and now it’s 9pm and I know what this is. This is a flare up.

Flare up pain is different to normal pain. I can’t describe it. I’m so sore I want to cry but I can’t find the tears. I don’t feel sad enough, I don’t feel anything. I am numb and sore, both at the same time. My body feels fragile and…

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My Heath conditions

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Here is a list of the medical conditions I have been diagnosed with in order of diagnosis. I have never written this down for anyone before. 

1. Fibromyalgia 

2. Degenerative Disc disease (mid back and lower back.)

3. Hypothyroidism 

4. Anxiety disorder

5. Bulging discs (two in my neck)

6. Carpletunnle in both wrists

7. Chronic headaches

I am 22. My first diagnosis for Fibromyalgia was when I was 18. That same year I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and told by the neurosurgeon that “unless I can find the fountain of youth, good luck with your pain for the rest of your life.” Hypothyroid is hereditary and I am actually lucky the doctors thought to check it when I gain 100 lbs in like two years. My anxiety was finally found and treated when I confessed that I pick my scalp bloody and get nervous driving sometimes. The bulging disc were just found this year. I was laying down and suddenly there was a sharp pain and I couldn’t move at all. I was alone at midnight. That was fun. The carpletunnle was found about 2 months ago when I complained about my hands being numb a lot( I assumed it was from the bulging disc).  I’ve had a headache about 17 days this month. 

Ok now that that is all out there…..WHAT THE HECK!!!!! I have been in pain every single day of my life since I was about 14. I have found no relief. Sometimes I don’t even see the point in living when I am in so much pain I can’t even move. But you know what I do about it? Push myself. Push push push to and beyond my limits. And I am not saying this as a good thing. It is a negative thing. Sometimes I just break down because I push myself so hard for no reason. I don’t know how I managed to graduate college with such a hard degree. I have no idea how I’m supposed to survive motherhood. 

Sometimes the worse part though is how utterly alone I feel. So many conditions. Each one a pain condition. Support groups usually have people with one or two maybe of my conditions. They have all the tips and tricks and I’m sitting back WISHING I only had that one condtion that controls and ruins these people’s lives. I know it is extremely selfish of me to think that way. But once in a while I just can’t help it. I am alone and have little help. Little sympathy. Little hope sometimes. 

Am I alone? Did I do something to deserve this immense pain? Why do I have to be the strong one? Why am I being made an example? Is any of this pain worth it? Why is the point?

Exploration of human sexuality Part 1

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I would like to premise this post with a statement:
I truly believe it is not dirty or gross or sinful or whatever label people want to put on me to be interested in one of the most basic human acts in the history of humanity. I believe it is good to have a healthy curiosity. I believe staying completely closed minded and incurious does more damage than good. If you don’t agree that’s ok! We are made with our own minds and I respect you all the same; however, this may not be the post for you.

Ok now that that is out of the way,

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I love exploring new things in all aspects of life. New possibilities. New interests. New lifestyles. I always become obsessed and fascinated. Getting into someone else’s head, learning what motivates them, what drives them; it is one of my favorite things in the world to do.

I love nothing more than to explore the carnal reasons people do what they do. Human sexuality is the most fascinating element of the human psyche to me. If this interests you as well, I would like to suggest a great quasi-scientific, quasi-fictional movie called Psycopathia Sexualis , which can found on Netflix. Another favorite of mine is The Libertine, also found on Netflix, and the series called Kink. There are many more, but I will leave you with those for now. The world of sexuality is a fascinating, ever changing monster and I love nothing more than to sit back and observe the beast. I relish the taboo. I pride myself in trying to have an open mind and accept every person for the beautiful individual being they were born as, kinks, flaws and all.

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Dear readers,
Please tell me what fascinates you, human sexuality wise or other wise. What do you explore? What do you want to explore? What is your current fascination?

I plan on delving deeper into the subject in later posts. If there is a topic you’d like to discuss, I am all ears.

Job hunt update

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Job, work, career.

In an ideal job hunt, you do not stop until you find your ideal career option. Somewhere you know you can stay long term and be happy and grow in your chosen field.

I have not found this.

For some, the job hunt can end when they find at least a full time job that brings in reasonable pay to support your chosen lifestyle.

I have not found this either.

Is my job hunt actually over? No. Have I stopped looking? Yes.

So what have I found?

I have three part time jobs. Two of my said jobs pay minimum wage ($7.25 for those of you who don’t have to worry about minimum wage any longer). And one pays much higher but I only work 2 hours per week.

My watered down credentials:
High school degree
Bachelors of music degree
Over 5 years experience in the food industry
Over 4 years experience teaching private music lessons.

So what jobs did I score in this tiny town of inconsequence?

I got a part time night job as a newspaper Inserter aka factory worker. I help run a machine and I help do mail. Any given night I hand label hundreds to thousands of newspapers and prep them to go out the next morning. I get a maximum of 30 hours per week. Manual labor plus overnight= $7.25 an hour. I must say though I am loving this job.

My other job is a student worker job turn part time job in the mailroom at the university from which I graduated. I get an average of 10 hours a week and get $7.25 with no chance of a raise. I will not continue this job into the summer.

My favorite job uses my degree and is my passion. I teach private voice lessons and make $25 an hour. Woah big money right?!?! Well not exactly. With 3 students I only get 2 hours per week.

So needless to say I don’t have my free time anymore, though I do have more than I did in school. I love my night job. It is leaps and bounds better than the jobs I had at Dairy Queen which I quit because it was really harsh on my health, an extremely stressful work environment, only only pulled in 20 hours a week.

So is my job hunt over? No, I’d say it is more on pause while I figure out what I want to do with my life.

More updates to come.

How are your job searches going? How’s life treating you?

Have a wonderful day my dear readers.

Tattoos of Freedom

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Tattoosday UK

Whenever we think of those who have been tattooed without their consent, most people probably think about World War 2 victims or children in news stories. As much as it’s uncomfortable to think about, there are others who are also tattooed against their will, who have survived (or are barely surviving) human trafficking. It’s almost insane to even think about, but there are still people in this day and age who are branded like animals, to show ‘belonging’ to other people. The Guardian has published a new story about this, focusing on those who have come out of the other end of such an ordeal, and they are now covering up those tattoos. From the article:

The tattoo on her neck was not the only scar that Jennifer carried from this period in her life. Men had also tattooed their names on her arm and her back. Just above her…

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Have you heard of Jamberry?

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I have recently taken a venture into the independent consultant world.

I have been trying to sell Jamberry nail products. I LOVE the products. I don’t, however love selling to my local friends who are not supportive.

Check out some of my own nail pics so far!

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I will write more about my experiences soon. But I wanted to give my readers a chance to become my clients! I’m all about breaking into my cold market. Here is my latest offer! More info and stories to come!

You guys I am super excited about our holiday gift sets! They have everything you need to get started with Jamberry- an application set with carrying bag, 3 EXCLUSIVE holiday wraps, and it’s all wrapped up in a cute little gift box! All orders placed today before midnight will get a special gift directly from me. Don’t delay!
http://judiparten.jamberrynails.net/product/joyful-holiday-gift-set#.VGObJX5OKK0

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